Category Archives: God Is

Mourn WITH Those Who Mourn

I’m so tired of stories, REAL stories involving REAL, LIVE human beings where Christian brothers and sisters PERSECUTE the very brothers and sisters who need LOVE the most. What is wrong with us???

We’ve lived this in our own family, the SHARP PIERCING, DEEP WOUND of persecution in the midst of unimaginable suffering within our family. When we need love and support the most, those whom we expect to provide and offer it are often the very ones who TURN AWAY and worse you SHUN and attack and isolate us. WHY???? You throw stones and you make us feel as if the world is even crueler than we’re already realizing it to be.

I don’t think most people realize the DEPTHS that adoptive families in particular go to FOR THEIR CHILDREN. When a tragedy such as suicide by a child strikes, DON’T YOU KNOW THE FAMILY MAY HAVE ALREADY WALKED OUT EVERY COURSE OF HELP IMAGINABLE.

“If only they had sought counseling … ” THEY’VE LIKELY BEEN TO TOO MANY THERAPISTS TO COUNT THEM ALL.

“If only they hadn’t left him alone … ” MAYBE THEY NEVER DID! Have you ever been in a position where you simply can’t leave your child(ten) alone or even in the care of other siblings? THIS IS LIFE FOR MANY.

“Why did they have weapons in the home?” HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ADVISED BY A PROFESSIONAL HOW TO MAKE YOUR HOME SUICIDE-PROOF? Because I have. And YOU CAN’T.

As another adoptive family faces the heartbreak of the loss of a child, not even yet a teen, it GRIEVES my heart to read the words of the father who speaks of the “sharp words” of some, undoubtedly other Christians. STOP. JUST STOP. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

If you’ve never adopted for GOD’S PRECIOUS SAKE, just STOP and KEEP QUIET and PRAY and let those of us who get it in some very real ways come alongside. And if you haven’t adopted and truly want to be supportive, then say that. Say I want to help but I don’t know how. HOW CAN I HELP YOU? If you truly mean it, they will know it.

I am weary. So very weary. Just this week, yet again, the Prez had to filter out IGNORANT TALK by a woman, who has said the very same things to me IN FRONT OF OUR SON WHO WAS ADOPTED. She goes on these UNEDUCATED (and she is in every sense of the word) tirades of why they can’t adopt a child even though they’d love to adopt one. LORD, PLEASE don’t ever allow that to happen. She doesn’t have what it takes. Truly, she doesn’t. If money is her greatest worry about international adoption, well then as those who’ve walked it out can attest she has no business considering it anyway.

She went ON AND ON AND ON about how it costs $30,000 “up-front” and why does it cost so much? Now mind you, her husband manages a local, fast-food chain restaurant, and she stays home with their high-school-aged daughter, who is in school all day 5 days a week. But anywho, she said “we’ve got to pay off the thousands we spent on Janie’s off-road vehicle for her Christmas gift (who in the world spends thousands on a Christmas gift for a child???), we’ve got a $500+ monthly payment on my brand-new blah, blah car, and we just don’t make a fortune like THOSE PEOPLE who adopt all these kids.” WHAT THE WHAT? Did I mention she was talking to my husband and she knows we’ve “adopted all those kids.”

To my fellow Tennesseans, I apologize in advance, but if there ever was a person who fits the persona many in our great nation think of as Tennessean, this lady is IT. I would share some reasons, but in an effort to keep her identify protected, I will refrain. My point is, NO ONE would do such a thing about a biological child. They just wouldn’t. And they don’t. But when it is an adopted child, all bets are off and filters apparently as well.

As for the adoptive family whose tweenage son took his own life this week, I cannot imagine their grief. And to those who would actually have the audacity to persecute them in the midst of this unimaginable pain and grief and LOSS, SHAME ON YOU. You WILL answer for your actions. NO DOUBT. For those who persecuted our adopted son, YOU WILL TOO. Jesus came to seek and to save those who are lost. His Word gives us SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS for how to walk out MINISTRY.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:14-21)

Turns Out I Don’t Have the Friendless Gene

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I recently watched a movie while aboard a 4-hour flight to Costa Rica. I highly recommend the movie The Good Lie and this African Proverb shared at the beginning of the movie spoke profoundly to me that sunny afternoon aboard a Delta flight.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Read that again. It packs a lot of power in 16 rather simple words, doesn’t it? How often though do we find ourselves trying to go it alone. Trying to be strong. Trying to look like we have it all figured out. Or have it all together. Or know what the heck we’re doing. Or we tell ourselves we should have it all figured out or know what the heck we’re doing, because after all, we reason, we must be really messed up if we don’t have it all figured out or can’t go it alone or can’t put on the image of being strong.

In my first post I Have the Friendless Gene I referenced many titles I thought of regarding friends and how I viewed these people in the greater scope of this life I’m living. If you haven’t already read that first post, I do recommend you click on over via that title just above because this post is going to make a lot more sense if you’ve read part one of this journey.

If I’m being brutally honest, I attached labels to each of them. Did I just say that? I attached labels. I HATE labels. I mean, I seriously deplore labels and minimizing people by equating them with a label. And yet, I had to face the music after my first post and a lot of self-reflection, soul-searching, and consideration of responses on the blog, via email and private messages from some of the very people I referenced and others who have read my blogs for years and some only a short while. I appreciated each and every response. I sincerely did and still do.

Proverbs 17:17 says: A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

As I thought about this verse and others I found when searching God’s Word for what He has to say about friends and friendship, I concluded that a large issue with my misunderstanding of what friendship truly means was founded in my attempt to relegate it to a specific formula or method. This just doesn’t work though as life is all about seasons, it ebbs and it flows, we face mountaintops and valleys, and ultimately, we walk down many different paths and come to crossroads that shape who we are and lead us to different people on the way who are facing their own ebbs and flows, mountaintops and valleys and paths and crossroads as they walk this life out.

I truly believe if we’re in tune with God’s heart, we will see Him indeed direct our steps, and He ALLOWS us to cross paths with others for His GREATER GLORY. Rather than thinking of my friends with the titles I referenced in the first post, I began to reflect on their actions and how those truly reflected their heart and their care, concern and compassion for me. And I began to realize I don’t want to miss this! I don’t want to relegate these people to a specific title and miss out on the blessing of their friendship. It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme how our paths crossed and in what context we met, because if God is directing our steps and we trust His sovereignty, then isn’t that where we want to be?

Regarding actions of my friends, I think of that text where my friend and I are PRAISING JESUS for HIS WORK in our connected lives. I can think of two very recent examples where God’s providence was revealed in ways that were impossible to assign to anything BUT GOD. It was that apparent. Words like confirmation, huge, blessing, validating, amazing, cherished, treasure were exchanged and God IS glorified. GOD IS GLORIFIED. GOD IS REFLECTED in us and through us. THAT IS BIG STUFF, FRIENDS.

Then I thought of a conversation not too long ago where a friend affirmed for me that my musings about being unequally yoked in terms of a friend isn’t always a bad thing, because after all God’s Word tells us to be IN the world and not of it. She gave me some wise advice as I proceed in that friendship and she shared about how she cultivates those friendships in a Christlike way that ultimately lets her light shine and reflects God at the same time.

Then I thought of a recent outing where I had a certain type of friend in mind when I put out a plea on FB, but as it turns out one of my friends that I had originally assigned a different title has the same heart cry I do for orphans and adoption. Not only did we both get to see a documentary we really longed to see, but we also spent some one-on-one time together. We had been trying to carve out a time together sans children, though we thoroughly enjoy a play date, amidst being stay-at-home Mommas to 9 beautiful children between us.

So as I have reflected on this and really allowed it to soak in my mind and more importantly my heart, I am choosing to NOT see people as titles or with labels attached. Rather, I am choosing to call them simply friend.

So no longer will I think of my friends as Bible study friend, my child’s therapist friend, homeschool tutorial friend, childhood friend, sorority sister friend, neighbor friend, church small-group friend, adoption agency friend, local adoptive moms group friend, older child adoption friend … rather I think simply MY FRIEND.

If I am doing and being what God’s Word says, then godly friendships will evolve over time if they are within His will. And if they’re not within His will, even if my heart breaks to think of that, how can I not still be joyful?

I asked myself these questions as I reflected and put pen to paper for this follow-up blog post:

Who stops me at tutorial and says how are you doing in a way that says they really mean it and really want to know?
Who sends that text when a loved one is dying, my children are about to undergo major surgeries, or I’ve posted that one of them is sick on FB?
Who stood close by my side without judgment or any expectation of return through a trial facing my family that left me feeling utterly and helplessly alone and completely questioning if God even existed? And who still stands by my side knowing all she knows that has befallen our family and still without an ounce of judgement?
Who loves me in spite of my actions, words or deeds that have hurt them before? Who has forgiven me for those actions, words, or deeds?
Who tells me regularly “I’m praying for you” or something similar like “I am praying. How can I pray specifically?” (LORD, that is GOOD, godly stuff! Oh my heart!)
Who is the one I feel led to send an email, FB PM, or text to or pick up the phone and call to share a heart cry and prayer request that exposes a deep desire and heart cry that makes no sense in earthly terms?
Who encourages me, my children, and/or my family with their words or deeds?
Who supports me when I’m most in need of that support for whatever the season or circumstance?
Who LOVES my children without condition and shows that love in terms that are immeasurable in earthly measures? Who loves my children with her whole heart? (This one was so important as I delved deeper in this quest, because aside from God my family is my world.)
Who loves me for WHO I AM not who they think I ought to be or maybe thought I was before they saw a whole lot more of the real me? Who sees through to my heart and loves the person on the inside rather than the image I might portray when I’m tucked safely inside my shell?

I could list more questions, but these are the ones I focused on most as I sorted this all out in my mind and heart over these last few weeks.

Really, it isn’t all that complicated. It doesn’t require an over-thinking. It doesn’t require dissecting the past. It doesn’t require harboring negative feelings that only harm and hinder. It doesn’t require a particular regimen of relationship. In other words, maybe we don’t see each other that often for the purpose of spending time together. Or maybe we can’t wait to see each other each week at tutorial and the hugs aren’t even thought out, because they are so natural and the conversation picks up right where we left off the week before. Or maybe we do find time on occasion to get out together for dinner, a movie or just to chat. Maybe those play dates aren’t just about our kids spending time together, but are also about us Mommas cultivating the seeds God has planted in our hearts for one another to walk this out together.

My point is there isn’t a secret formula. Or a prescription. Or a scientific process. There isn’t a RIGHT or necessarily a wrong way. What works with one friendship might not work for another. What works in this season of our mutual lives might not work a year from now. Only God knows and that really IS enough. Our Father, Who made us all, Who loves us all, Who leads those of us Who call Him Lord, Who sees our hearts, He is the One to lead us to cross paths with other Christ-followers for His greater purpose and His greater glory. Why would I want to miss that?!?!

So I will take one step at a time, and if, unfortunately, one step at a time requires a pause and then a restart, I will do that too. Since I follow the Lord and choose to believe He will direct my steps as He promises He would, I trust He knows my needs better than I know them myself. I love this verse I will end with below, because what a PROMISE this is from God! If we believe this promise truly, then how can we, how can I, not cherish the relationships the Lord has placed in my life and also trust He will grow them, nurture them, cultivate them in such a way that He is glorified, that He is manifested, that He is revealed, that He is worshipped, that He is proclaimed, that He is reflected out of that friendship.

We can make our plans, but the Lord directs our steps. {Proverbs 16:9}

A Repost: Three Years Later! (Part 2)

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**Three years ago today, February 5, 2012, our whole family met our Li’l Bit in Guizhou, China. I can’t believe it has been 3 YEARS! Here is another post I had on my original blog. Too many precious pictures to not post this one too. If you missed part 1 recap, it is HERE.**

OH.MY.WORD.

God is so great!!!

I was admittedly worried this little girl would be so overwhelmed with all of us. I mean we are quite the crew here. Continue reading →

A Repost: THREE YEARS AGO TODAY!

I Have the Friendless Gene

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*Editor’s Note: I failed to note that this post is strictly about girl friends. I am very thankful my husband is my best earthly friend and he tells me all the time I am most definitely his best friend. He doesn’t long for a guy friend of the sort that I seem to long for in a girl friend.

I must not be the only 40-something married Momma in America who cannot sustain lasting and real friendships. There I said it. Deep exhale.

If you have that circle of friends or some “besties” (I didn’t even know that term until recently), then this article is most likely not going to be of any interest to you unless you just want to read about someone like me who seems to have the friendless gene. If you like me wonder what in the world is wrong with me or am I just always a day late and a dollar short or maybe always not at the right place and right time … then this article might hit all too close to home. What is the deal? goes through my mind daily. Except I’m going to choose daily to take that thought captive and toss it out of my brain and more importantly, out of my heart. I am NOT going to allow it take root again, because I am going to trust God knows what is best for me and that my idea of best isn’t a part of His plan, which is always better.

I realize friendship is a give and take. I honestly try to do a lot of the giving. In my recent venture into opening up my heart yet again and becoming vulnerable (really takes a lot out of me perhaps because of my history of failed friendships), I gave a lot: a card with a heartfelt note and small gift in recognition of her birthday, a surprise cup of her favorite coffee except I left out one ingredient I would later realize, texts of encouragement, sharing about very vulnerable areas in my life, being the only one to suggest actual face-to-face meetings for the sole purpose of being together instead of those times we see each other in relation to a more professional connection, which is how we first met one another … but in the end it wasn’t enough because one day I let my irritable and neurotic side show a lot … I apologized that same day but I never heard those three words I forgive you and its fairly clear she hasn’t. And yesterday I realized that potential real friendship has most likely slipped right out of my grasp just like all of the others.

I think one of the big light-bulb moments for me has come in recent months as I prayed and prayed and prayed some more for God to reveal to me how I could change in order to gain friends or even just one real friend. I have a lot of acquaintances mind you, but I was thinking and praying for that kind of friend you’d take a trip with year after year, who you have a language with that doesn’t even have to be spoken, who ALWAYS remembers to support you when not one but two of your children are undergoing major surgery … yeah I realized back in December that one of my “friends” wasn’t really there for me as she “forgot” by her own admission. I rarely speak to her or see her. When we do, we have a good time chatting but there is no longer any depth there. It stays at the surface and that is A-OK. It is just that she isn’t “bestie” material and I’ve come to accept that. It’s really OK.

I’ve come full circle in that quest for self-discovery and realized I can’t change who I am. For better or worse, I’m who I am and yes, I can be difficult to figure out and difficult to walk alongside. I have lots of “friends” mind you, but they always have a circle that I’m not a part of. And quite frankly, it gets old. And it HURTS. BAD. Being the other friend. The sometimes friend. The when-it-fits-their-schedule friend. The The specific time and place friend. The specific label friend. More often than not, our friendship formed from a shared circumstance.

Here are a few of the friend labels I have from sharing a circumstance with these ladies:

Bible study friend

My Child’s Therapist friend

Homeschool Tutorial friend

Childhood friend

Sorority Sister friend

Neighbor friend

Church small-group friend

Adoption Agency friend

Local Adoptive Moms Group friend

Older Child Adoption friend

The list could go on and on. I can think of others, but these are the ones that seemed early on to have great potential, but in all these cases it didn’t take too long for these potential friendships to unravel just as quickly as they seemed to begin taking shape. That is the most mysterious part. I don’t seem to struggle making initial connections, but going beyond that first stage … in worldly terms, I’m an epic fail on that.

I remember the time a former “bestie” (we were tight there for a few months and I never knew why she stopped contact) contacted me out of nowhere because she needed assistance with a project in which she wanted me to use my mad layout and design skills on the computer. That was very strange to say the least. Thankfully, I was able to say no without guilting myself, because I really at that moment in my discombobulated state did not have the time. And I never heard from her again until I saw her a couple of years ago at a dance recital. It was kind of awkward when she went to introduce me to her “best friend” who walked up as we were talking. The unspoken words were heard loud and clear by both of us. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since as our paths just don’t cross, but we were so tight scrapbooking together every weekend and sharing life together. Until one day she just didn’t return my phone calls. I still for the life of me don’t know what happened. It was at the time when we were in our first adoption paper chase, and granted I was a bit neurotic about that paperwork but maybe adoption turned her off? I guess I’ll never know and honestly until I began writing this article I hadn’t thought of it in years.

As I’ve struggled to sort out what exactly is wrong with me that no one wants me in their close circle of friends, I think one thing I’ve concluded is that I’m actually an introvert who retreats in my shell all too often because of my past experiences with epic failed friendships. I’m skeptical because I’ve opened myself up so many times only to have the friendship implode when I have a weak moment and don’t seem like myself to the other person or it implodes for no reason whatsoever. And I wonder what in the world happened. And I wonder am I the only one out of the loop. So they cut their ties and walk away. I can’t say I blame them.

At 41 years old, though, I’m tired of striving for that coveted spot in someone’s inner circle of friends. I’m weary of wondering daily what is wrong with me that I don’t have a friend I could call at 10 p.m. when my husband needs to go to the ER? Thankfully, on that recent night, I asked our 16-year-old son if he would drive his Daddy to the ER so we didn’t have to take his five younger siblings to the ER. Our life is complicated and we can’t just leave all of our children at home alone. Even with a very responsible and mature 16-year-old son at the helm, we have some complicated situations that just would require too much responsibility to be placed unfairly on his shoulders.

One of the reasons I avoided Facebook like the plague and one of the reasons I rarely post on my blog anymore is I was trying to avoid seeing those “bestie” group photos and captions on FB, which ironically is where I recently learned of the term “bestie” referring to that friend and also with the blog I was hoping to avoid the happy feelings I would get when my blog buddy friends would comment on a post and I would wonder to myself if we lived in the same city, would I maybe be in her inner circle?

As for Facebook, it has gone down quite honestly as I suspected it would. I see post after post of people thanking God for their little group of lifelong friends, their call-upon anytime friends, their take an annual trip together friends, their our kids have been friends since birth friends … and on and on and on. People posting selfies with their besties. People who would say I’m their friend posting those selfies, but I’m never in any because I’m no one’s bestie. I try to hold my head high and speak the truths I know over myself. Even yesterday one of my FB posts is a reflection of this venture I’m on with my Father to claim and believe that I am a child of the One True King and to push out all of the lies the enemy loves to whisper in my mind and heart. He knows all too well that this friendship failure for me is a huge discouragement and he uses it daily to render me useless for the kingdom as I fight feelings of failure, unworthiness, rejection and sadness over my lack of close friends or circle of friends to call my own.

I realize this post is vulnerable in the most vulnerable of ways. I searched on google and found many articles about people not having friends, but I didn’t find the one that has been weighing on my mind and heart for months, but honestly for years too. I didn’t see the one which talked about being the person who would go to the monthly local adoptive Mom friend group only to leave fighting the tears that would flow as they talked about a recent play date which left me wondering but why didn’t they invite me and my Chinese kids to play too? Or another monthly meeting where some of them discussed their recent Chinese New Year party that was held together, but our family wasn’t even invited. So I stopped going. Who needs that right? I was in the group but I really wasn’t. I think the break-up for our family came when we brought our boys home at ages 10 and 5, and this quite frankly didn’t fit into their ideal of what a Chinese adoption should look like, and our boys clearly didn’t fit in their little Chinese girl play groups. But I know when I’m not wanted, and I’m the first to walk away in most instances. It doesn’t mean it hurts less though.

I didn’t see the article either about the Bible study friend, who has has stood by my family during an extremely traumatic time and a time when the few other well-meaning Christians I shared openly with left us high and dry, but we only get together occasionally with our kids, which is great, but she has a circle of which I’m not a part. She has a circle with whom she and her husband socialize and it isn’t taking in any new members. And so I see her and I love her, but I’m not in her inner circle either.

I’m not sure how to tie this up neatly. I don’t think I can. But if you are like me and realize perhaps God has called you to take a different path, a path that doesn’t include any “besties” or that circle of girlfriends who are lifelong and can read your mind with no words spoken .. TAKE HEART ladies. In the words of Matthew West:

Hello, my name is defeat
I know you recognize me
Just when you think you can win
I’ll drag you right back down again
‘Til you’ve lost all belief

Oh, these are the voices. Oh, these are the lies
And I have believed them for the very last time

Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, I have been set free
“Amazing Grace” is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King

Jesus is my very best friend. And if He’s the only “bestie” I’ve got, then I’m going to be OK. Because He is enough.

*After writing this post and much reflection, I wrote a follow-up post Turns Out I Don’t Have the Friendless Gene, which you might like to read also.

Another Detour: Bringing Our Boy Back Home

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Life is a roller coaster, isn’t it. I like a roller coaster on occasion, but I don’t attempt those really intense ones.

Except life can feel like I imagine those twisty and curvy and loop-de-looping roller coasters feel. Last year, I shared in-depth about a decision that had been made to send two of our sons to public middle school at the beginning of this school year. We were optimistic and hopeful and willing.

Just when we exhale and think now I can take a deep breath I get a text saying, Our son has been suspended.

Yeah, I got that text. I was in a meeting of sorts and my phone rang with the school on Caller ID. It rang only once, so I figured it wasn’t a big deal. Except it was. They called the Prez though and reached him, so I didn’t hear back. Then the text from the Prez came through and I thought, “Well there’s a first time for everything.”

The writing was already on the wall before the suspension. When we were seriously considering sending our boys to the local zoned public school, I did what anyone would do right? I went to Go*ogle. I remember thinking when I found a site where people could rate schools that it couldn’t be that bad.

One reviewer said: When I moved here I thought Little House on the Prairie but what we got was Dangerous Minds without Michelle Pfeifer.

Sadly, I have to say I feel EXACTLY the same way now and I was hoping for Little House on the Prairie as well. In addition to the very low academic expectations at the school, the environment seems to be volatile and on top of that if your parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, etc. didn’t go to the school … well, you’re just a nobody.

Our boys have no friends there. From day one, our 6th grader was told, “We have been friends since 1st grade. We know each other and we don’t know you. Did your grandparents go here because ours did. He’s my 1st cousin and she’s my 2nd cousin and on and on and on.”

We went to the Open House and met the teachers and passed the already-formed groups in the halls. We went to the Fall Festival in September and NO ONE except a couple of teachers spoke to us. Have you ever been to something like that where there are hundreds of people and its crowded and you feel incredibly lonely? I knew right then how our boys feel every day at the school. They have told us it feels like this in so many words, but then we experienced it. Our 8th grader does have a few kids who seem nice enough to him, but they call him “Ninja” which he really dislikes. He is the only Asian or non-white child in his entire grade.

Have I mentioned how unfriendly the environment is? Oh and the Prez signed up to be on the PTA and you know how many times he’s been to a meeting? NONE, because they said they didn’t need anymore help. YEP. We don’t have the Serenity Fair School bloodline (yes, I made up the name but you get the idea). He kind of joked when he signed up to be a PTA member and paid the annual dues that he doubted they would accept him into their group, but he was hoping to get involved. Saddest part is he would be a great asset to them, but we aren’t in in the inner circle or the outer one for that matter.

One of the reasons our 6th grade son accepted the invitation to meet another 6th grade student the size of an adult man in the bathroom for a fight was to try and put the bullies at bay. He said the two days he was back before Thanksgiving break did prove to be less volatile for him and that the bullies were surprised he stood up to them. He was beaten up pretty good though, and seeing your child with bruises all over their back from punches and kicks from an adult-sized kid when your son is small for his age? It HURTS. Bad.

Can you imagine walking into a new school as a middle schooler and the groups have been formed since kindergarten. To say they have had an uphill battle socially is an understatement. Our 6th grader also isn’t typical neurologically. Finally, after many years of wondering, I was asked by his therapist if I had considered he might have Aspergers. I have suspected he does for years, but when I have asked doctors and others they have assured me he didn’t have the markers or enough of them. It all makes so much sense now, and honestly it is a relief to know why he has some unique struggles in certain areas that frustrate us incredibly. But even more so, they frustrate him.

Our boys have big hearts and they really tried, but in all honesty they never had a chance at the school. I feel the same way about the surrounding community. It is very closed and if you don’t have roots here, you are an outsider. Period. You imagine moving to the country and finding friendly faces and welcoming arms, but in all honesty this is the most standoffish place I’ve ever lived in the South. It is very strange, but at the school it is even more apparent.

At the end of the day, one of the major reasons we chose to try public school was for the boys to experience school in a classroom outside the walls of our home. We also hoped they might make some friends, but that isn’t going to happen. As I type, I reflect on our hopes for them this school year and they’ve all been dashed. I know middle school is hard no matter where you are, but I did have this ideal that this little school in the country with 50 students or less per grade would be a nice transition for them back into public school. Boy, was I ever wrong.

In addition to the mounting social issues, the academics at the school are very inferior. Our 6th grader is incredibly bored and no, there isn’t a gifted program. Our 8th grader has been challenged in some areas, but he could be expected to do much more. They are in science rooms where the lab tables collect dust and house outdated textbooks. They have to share textbooks, so they can’t bring them home to study.

When my husband asked at the first parent-teacher conference why they aren’t doing labs in middle school science, he was told by the coach (I mean, teacher) that “I’ve requested supplies and equipment, but apparently there is no money for it.”I daresay our 8th grader has learned absolutely NOTHING in science this year, compared to the science text we use in our homeschool, which is very in-depth and hands-on and engaging.

Oh, I could go on and on and on about how the academics pale in comparison to what they were doing, but what is the point? At the end of the day, my husband who made the ultimate decision to send them to school is very disappointed on many levels and he asked me to bring our 6th grader home in January. A big part of me doesn’t want to and I told our 6th grader I wasn’t sure I could do it as he is very resistant to my authority at times, but the thought of him getting beat up again in the school bathroom makes my stomach very upset. How can I leave him there to fight alone against the bullies?

He has had at least 10 teachers for his science and social studies class. Why you ask? Well, the permanent teacher was on medical leave when school started, so they hired a long-time sub. She was there until right before Thanksgiving. She was the ONLY bright spot in his day, and he misses her terribly. She was his homeroom teacher as well as science and social studies. She took interest in him and made some accommodations for him that made his day much more livable. But she’s gone. And since then, he has had multiple substitutes. I don’t even know what to think. Why don’t they hire a teacher??? But instead, each week it is somebody different including the mother of the kid who beat him up in the bathroom. Yep, you read that right. I can’t even comment further on that.

I know this post is super negative and I’m sorry for that. But this has just been building up and our 6th grader will be coming home for good when school finishes for the semester on December 19. He doesn’t even know we’ve made the final decision, but today I woke up and thought this is why I’m here. These kids are my mission field. He is worth it. So with my husband’s 100% support and our son also asking desperately to come back home, we will have 5 students again in our homeschool. Our 8th grade son has asked to finish the school year at this school, and we fully support him in that request. He has said he has no desire to go back there next year, and so it is very probable he will be home schooled again in the fall of 2015.

I have no idea what the future holds and I have had to majorly adjust my expectations and plans for our spring semester of school, and we are making plans for specially tailored coursework for our 6th grader, which will involved a private on-line school, but at the end of the day you just gotta do what you are feeling led to do. And trusting your gut can go a long way as well.

Adoption in Hindsight

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November is National Adoption Month, and around the web you may have seen many posts, tweets, status updates, and campaigns promoting adoption. Most of those are about the children who wait, and this is GOOD.

This post though isn’t about that.

This post is for the adoptive Mom who is at the end of her rope.

This post is for the adoptive Mom who feels utterly and hopelessly ALONE.

This post is for the adoptive Mom who has children in circumstances that rip this Momma’s heart in places she thought would be fatal … until she realized her heart had been ripped there.

This post is for the adoptive Mom who has given her all and yet … it isn’t enough.

I used to be much more involved in efforts to advocate for adoption. All out. No matter what. At all costs.

I honestly used to think adoption was the only answer for children who have through no fault of their own found themselves without the presence of their parent(s).

Hindsight as they say is 20/20.

In looking back and thinking about all our family has been through the past 6 years and 2 months since the adoption of our first of what would be four adopted children, I am challenged to share honestly about life as the mother of six children—two by birth and four by adoption.

Our family has been immensely blessed by adoption and our family has also been immensely challenged by the individual struggles and traumas our adopted children have endured.

This post will not be about our children’s traumas or their struggles. I cringe when I see some of the personal information that is all too often shared, and I shudder at times when I think of what these children may feel when they one day realize their adoptive mother or father has shared very private information in the name of education or awareness or {gasp} as some form of self-serving therapeutic release. Continue reading →

A Full Circle

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Beautiful children. Precious souls. Oh my heart.

The week of Thanksgiving last year proved to be one of the most difficult moments in our family, and now almost one year later, I can truthfully look back and say we have all grown in ways I never thought necessary, fair or worthwhile. Continue reading →

Gulf Shores Family Beach Trip: October 5, 2014

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Day 1 on the beach was everything I imagined. Well, waking up at 5:30 a.m. wasn’t in my plans, but it did give me a little quiet time before the littles began to wake up about 7 a.m. I grabbed this screenshot of the low temp for the week! YIKES!

That was a bit cold, but we never saw temps below 70 again for the week and those were at night. Perfect! The temperature was a bit chilly, but as the day progressed the weather app read 73° by 2 p.m. and we were well on our way to warmer weather! I am often asked how I’m so organized and how in the world do I manage with 6 kids.

First off, The Prez and I work well together as a team when on vacation, but during the day-to-day I’m winging it solo as he works a lot of hours and isn’t here when we’re headed out the door most mornings. I very much appreciated him taking the role more often than not of sandwich maker each morning. It is a given law of family dynamics that 5 minutes (or less) after arriving at the beach no matter how much breakfast was consumed that people will be hungry. Continue reading →

Gulf Shores Family Beach Trip: October 4, 2014